never been kissed

many of my friends are either married or dating, and I'm often the third (or fifth or seventh) wheel. i also end up being the DD and the one who makes sure everything gets paid for and that nobody gets lost or left behind. i guess you could say i am the mom when i go out with friends. but i am also the youngest. throughout middle school and high school they're were always couples that were together for a couple or weeks or months, and those few who lasted a year or two, but in the end would break up and be with somebody else a couple of weeks later. it was like they were trying to get their fill. i noticed that many of my friends that came from homes without a true father figure would end up dating older guys, then get dumped at the end of the year when he left for college. over the summer they would find another guy or two and then by the beginning of the school year they are back with another older guy. then there were the girls who had a boyfriend just because everyone else did. thats what society told them to do. and then some would date that guy whom they had been friends with for years, and those who where told that they would make a good couple with so and so. and then there was me. i didn't date. my parents had taught me that dating is preparation for marriage. when dating you are looking for a potential spouse. and if that was not your intention, then you were just setting yourself up for failure, and ultimately divorce. once you have dated so many guys, and given yourself away to those select few, you begin to get the mentality that if you find a flaw, or just don't love him anymore that you can leave, and find somebody else better. you never learn to work through your issues. i was 18 when i dated my first (and only) boyfriend. i met him at church. we used to go to church with each other every sunday. he would sing me songs in swahili about beautiful princesses ( he was from kenya) and hold my hand and tell me how beautiful i was. he was very good with words and always seemed to know the right things to say. we were together for nine months and considered marriage. the weekend before he was set to propose, he questioned my faith, my intelligence, called my parents ignorant and called me ignorant. i broke it off. i was devastated over loosing my first love and went through a lot of emotions. when he asked me to come back i had to fight myself to say no. i prayed, asked my parents and a trusted few from church to pray, and realized their was no reason to crawl back to a boy who had no respect for me, my faith or my values. what i came to realize is that their are better men out there, who truly love their wives, and God and know how to treat a woman. i have an amazing father, brother, and grandfather that prove that. i have met many great men that have proved that. however it has been a struggle. i long to find that true love, to not feel lonely on the holidays, that one to grow in my faith with. but what i have come to realize is that in God i have all of that and when i am ready he will place that man in my life. i want to be so zeroed in on God that he was to be zeroed in on God too, to find me. each of us have our own standards for what we want in a man, but society tells us we are aiming to high and it is ok to settle. as a child of God i am not going to settle. i know that God has a brother in Christ waiting for me, for when we are both ready, to be together. i don't fully understand what God's plan is for me, or why i am where i am. that is the beautiful part about being a Christian. i don't have to understand. i just have to have faith and take each day as it comes. i am still single, i am still a virgin, i have not had my first kiss, and i am ok with that. because only one man deserves them, and i would rather God, the creator of all, to bring that man in my life, than for any boy i have a crush on to get it. i will admit that it is sometimes lonely, but to be able to say that i honor my parents, my God and myself, is so much better and worth it. its amazing how unimportant society's ridiculous standards become when you are focused on God.

theres a mystery to love in christ

apparently i am gay. i found this out when a female approached me because she had heard I'm lesbian. after the initial shock, i tried to politely inform her that i was not in fact lesbian, and i that i was not interested in a relationship. she quickly apologized and then left. not long after another female approached me. she was new to post and needed a ride somewhere. i agreed, having no problem since we were going to the same place anyway. at first the ride was quiet. i wasn't sure what to talk about, i didn't really know her that well, and she seemed timid. i tried to break the ice with a goofy comment, and it was like i had let the dogs out. she began to ask me questions. i figured she was trying to get to know me so i engaged. i was surprised by the amount of questions she was able to fit in to our 5 minute ride to the barracks. as i pulled into the parking lot and put the car in park, she got real quiet. it kind of took me off guard so i awkwardly sat silently in the car waiting for her to get out. then she began to talk again. she told me that she had been warned about me, that i was basically a tattle tale, sensitive, and no fun to be around. all of the questions she had asked began to make sense now. a couple days later after having the time to think things through, get over the anger i felt that the very people i work and live with and are supposed to have my back apparently talk about me behind my back, i brought it up in conversation with an brother in Christ, very wise, retired military, and a local. as we talked it through he told me that i shouldn't be surprised that people would spread rumors about me, talk about me and try to bring me down to their level. i will have to admit that at first i was kind of angry about this. he went on to compare my situation to Jesus. Jesus was perfect, sinless, yet the very people who had followed him and praised him crucified him. they spread rumors about him, taunted him. they turned their backs on him. now if people could do that to someone who knew no sin, had done nothing wrong, why should i put it past them to do the same to me. i am a sinner, i have done wrong, made mistakes, and said the wrong thing at the wrong time. he told me that as Christians we are different. I'm different. because i don't like to do what they do and i don't hang out with them. they don't understand me, so they spread rumors. and then pick my brain to see how i will respond. and the truth behind that was so encouraging. it was peaceful. the anger i had felt, was no longer. as a christian i am called to love my enemies, just as Jesus did. i am to pray for them, love them, even when they wrong me. and i have to admit they are totally confused. they know i found out that they spread the rumors, yet i still talk to them, smile and engage them in conversation occasionally. they don't understand why i don't date, drink, or smoke. they don't understand why i would prefer to hang out with people 40 years my elder over them. but what i have come to realize is that they don't understand the love of Christ. the love Christ does not know color, race, ethnicity, sex, or age. Christ loves each and every one of us. whether we are gay or straight, black or white, male or female, American or Pakistani. Christ loves each and every one of us. and we are to do the same. we are not to judge someone because they are gay, they murdered somebody, or they praise a different god. for each of us has a sin of our own. we lust, idolize celebrities, we are gluttonous with food, we are gluttonous with the Internet and electronics, at one point we have spread gossip, and we have gotten angry and hurt somebody. just because somebody else's sin is different doesn't mean its worse. sin is sin. we all do it. I DO IT. as Christians we are called to love the Lord our God with all our hearts, all our minds, all our souls, and all our strength. and to love our neighbor as we love ourselves (Mark 12:30-31). we do not have to tolerate their sin, we do not have to accept their sin. but we do have to love them as Christ loves us. and show them grace, as Christ continuously shows us grace for our sins. we can love them without tolerating or accepting their sin. do not be afraid to be different. i do not smoke, i do not drink, I'm single, I'm a virgin, i dress conservatively, i am not gay or bisexual, i talk to my mom every day and i hang out with people who accept me for who i am. BE Different. BE Yourself. BE Fearless - Psalm 27:1-3 
The lord is my light and salvation; whom shall i fear? The lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall i be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me my heart shall not fear, though war arise against me, yet i will be confident.

forgiveness: we shouldn't have to understand to show a little grace

at one point in our lives we all make that one mistake. somebody gets gets hurt, people take sides, your not really sure where you stand. those who you thought were you're friends stand on the side that seems to be more popular, to be more just in a world where we try to determine what justice is. but where we go wrong is when we don't have all the facts. we don't know what really happened at that moment in time. 99% of us weren't even there. when we take the side that we believe to be true and just, we are no longer supporting a cause out of love. true love is the unconditional grace God shows us every day. it doesn't take sides, doesn't say who is wrong and who is right. it loves both sides equally, shows grace to both sides equally. as humans we want to be with the side that seems to be hurting the most, to be able to comprehend what happened and do something about it even if in the end we not only hurt the other side, but tell it that there is no love, no grace to lend them. we have all received that second chance that turned our life around, set us straight. all because one person decided to show us a little love and grace, understood that in your foolish worldly mind what you did was what you thought was cool and right at the time. as i recently discovered a friend is hurting i can only imagine where this path is going to lead. he was the driver of a car that crashed and killed one of his friends. his mistake may seem gigantic to yours, but how can you compare? how can you judge when you yourself continuously make the wrong decision and only by grace of God did the ending turn out ok. God does not call us to judge but to love all. it may be hard, we might not understand, but that shouldn't be an issue. we shouldn't have to understand every little piece of the puzzle to decide whether or not we are going to share the love and grace God has shown us continually, every time we fail, making the same mistakes over and over again. as a child of God i have no right to make this decision for i am forgiven just the same. i might never know what you were thinking at that time, what kind of pressure you may have been under, or whether you thought you were doing the right thing given the circumstances. but i want you to know i will support you. the consequences may be life changing, but you can learn tom this, come out wiser and stronger in the end. whether big or small this is a turning point for you and you can overcome it. you are my friend, family, and whether or not you were wrong i will pray for you, i will support you, i will be there for you. keep your head up brother, I'm praying for you.

its ok to be different because being different is being me

Recently it has become evident to me more than ever, the stereotypes our society tells us women to be. Growing up my parents raised me to respect my body and encouraged me to be confident and comfortable with whom God made me to be. They raised me to be conservative in my clothing and to respect my elders and teachers. They raised me to respect others who didn’t share my beliefs. I didn’t have to tolerate or accept their beliefs, but that I should love them as Jesus would love them and respect the fact that they are a person that they have feelings too. They taught me to stand up for what is right and for those who are treated unfairly, or picked on, even though it would probably be hard. My parents taught me that dating isn’t just to have fun, but to look for a future spouse. Someone to love and grow in Christ with, someone who would be there to help me further my walk in Christ. They raised me not to curse or talk provocatively, and to stand up for my beliefs. My parents raised me not to smoke, underage drink, do drugs, or have sex before marriage.They told me not to watch rated R movies without their permission.

Many of my friends growing up told me I was boring, called me a loser, and even tried to convince me it was ok to do these things because teenagers are supposed to be rebellious. But to me it was more than just obeying my parents. The Bible says to honor thy father and thy mother (Exodus 20:12, Ephesians 6:2). Doing what my parents asked of me and respecting what they told me not to do, was an honor, to my parents and God. To say no to that “friend” who offered me drugs and alcohol, or that boy who wanted to be more than good friends, made me different, and showed people I was different. I don’t have to conform to society to be happy.  I have an amazing family, parents who love and support me, a brother and sister who are my best friends, and a God who is ALWAYS there for me. I have friends who accept me and share my faith and beliefs, and friends who accept me and respect my faith and beliefs.

 I have never had sex, done any drugs, or drank alcohol. I have never shown more of my body than what a one-piece bathing suit covers (I generally wear a rash guard and board shorts over it anyway) and the only time I’ve worn makeup is to my junior and senior prom. I have never kissed a guy nor have I been kissed. But don’t get me wrong, I am by far nowhere near perfect. I have my flaws and I am guilty of my fair share of sinning every day. I have my rough patches where taking the hard right over the easy wrong has caused me heartache and even sometimes left me wondering if it was worth it. But in the end it most definitely is. Not being that “normal” girl society wants me to be is quite fun, and leaves me with less feelings of regret. However I do have regrets, there are some things I do wish I could go back and change, but the decisions I have made have only made me stronger in the end, and have strengthened my relationship with Christ.  I am not your average girl. I’m not superskinny, I don’t wear makeup, I don’t wear the hottest clothes, and I’ve never been kissed. I am proud to be a virgin and to wait until I’m married, and I am proud to be a child of God. I don’t have to continue to abide by my parents rules anymore. I am 19 years old, I have moved out, and I have a full time job. But my parents didn’t just make those rules up, they set those standards because that is what the Bible says how we should live; it is what God says we should be. My parents are nowhere near perfect and neither am I, but that is the amazing part about being a Christian. You don’t have to be perfect, you can’t be perfect. My crooked teeth, average body, and odd sense of humor make me, me,and sets me apart from who society says I should be. I am not beautiful for my body, face, or hair. I am beautiful for who I am on the inside, a child of God, and probably happier and more satisfied than I could ever be otherwise. I am different, I am me, I am a daughter of the one true king.

we all make mistakes...

As a young, teenage, single, soldier away from my family for the first time, I am learning real quick how much I have to trust in God. Outside of the comforts of home, the Christian University I attended, and my Christian friends I have had to learn the hard way that not everybody who claims to be a “friend” has good intentions. When you are constantly surrounded by Christians who are there to talk to you, pray for you, and fellowship with you, they are also there for accountability and to talk you out of stupid decisions. You begin to form a trustful way of thinking, giving everybody the benefit of a doubt because you don’t know their story. You begin to trust nice people and think that their intentions are the same as yours. Growing up you hear stories about things that happen but we all know you don’t learn from stories passed down the rumor tree. We learn either the hard way ourselves or via friends and family member’s experiences. Right now my invincible, teenage, hormonal brain tells me I can do anything. I am a warrior, an American soldier, raised my right hand to protect what I grew up watching my dad, my neighbors, and family members defend. I tend to think that if I can do that I can do anything, right? Wrong! Without God Iam nothing. No matter how big I think I am God always interrupts my invincible ways and thinking to show me I'm not; He graciously knocks me down and humbles my stubborn butt. And you know as well as I do that this is not a one time occurrence.  How many times did I wet myself before I was finally potty trained? How many bones did I break before I learned to properly fall? How many times did I hold a last minute cram session before I changed my study habits? We make the same mistakes over and over and over…. And over before we learn our lesson. A wise woman, my mom, once told me that these mistakes don’t always present themselves in the same way, but always end with the same results. When the ER technicians know you by name it is probably time to make some change. One of the things I have come to learn is to trust my instincts. So many people will argue with you over this, tell you that logic is the answer. This is somewhat true. Knowing how history repeats itself does provide some insight, but ultimately when you are in that moment of uncertainty logic is not your first thought. Its your instincts that kick in and tell you to go home. You can try to justify anything logically, but your instincts are going to tell you how you really feel. I’ve come to think of my instincts as divine intervention, God telling me to stop and turn around. Following my instincts have labeled me as a party pooper and lame, but I still have my dignity, integrity and faith. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice any of these to have fun and hang with your “friends”, and if you do, they are NOT your friends. I know, Easier said than done. We all want to be accepted and will fall into this trap at one point. I have fallen into it quite a few times but thankfully it has never resulted in losing my dignity, integrity, or faith. It may have come close and I may have had to go through a period of uncertainty, where I felt uncomfortable and people were upset with me, but setting things straight was the only way to fix my mistake honorably. I have dealt with the consequences and told myself I would never do that again… yea good joke right? We all know how that works. At this point in my walk with Christ I have come to realize that this is where arming myself with the word of God comes in. I can try to get myself out of a situation logically. Try to size up my surroundings, base the situation off of what I know, justify what could happen with the idea that nothing will happen because I am invincible and nothing has happened before. Or I could base my decisions off of the word, thousands of years of wisdom and an Almighty God. Personally the odds of the latter sound better to me. As I write this, I know it is easier said than done. My hormonal brain is still telling me I am invincible. But I am a work in progress and if I let God continue to mold me into what he created me to be, then I can conquer this worldly view I have that I can do anything and realize I am nothing without Christ. My ultimate goal is to be and act more like Christ, an ongoing goal that I will always have to strive for because I am human and a sinner and can never fully 100% be Christ like. However, God’s grace covered that the day I raised my white flag and gave my life to Christ. I am still going to make mistakes, its inevitable. Although learning a lesson through Christ may not be easier, it will definitely be better knowing a loving God who knows the outcome is there to guide me through it. I’m told that wisdom comes with age, but I believe that sets us up for failure. We think we wont make mistakes when we get older, and when we do get older and mistakes are made we blame other people. We think we know better so we ask God why, we get angry and we don’t understand. Punishments are no longer spankings and groundings, but involve monetary fines and permanent records. We need to understand that everybody of all ages make mistakes, we are all sinners and we need to be there for each other, as brothers and sisters in Christ, and get through it together. We are a body and we need every member to keep it moving. If one goes down we all go down, so we need to work together and show the world the light of Christ, rebounding from one mistake at a time. If we can show the world that we love each other, looking past mistakes and into the rebound, just maybe people will begin understand the love of Christ.