never been kissed

many of my friends are either married or dating, and I'm often the third (or fifth or seventh) wheel. i also end up being the DD and the one who makes sure everything gets paid for and that nobody gets lost or left behind. i guess you could say i am the mom when i go out with friends. but i am also the youngest. throughout middle school and high school they're were always couples that were together for a couple or weeks or months, and those few who lasted a year or two, but in the end would break up and be with somebody else a couple of weeks later. it was like they were trying to get their fill. i noticed that many of my friends that came from homes without a true father figure would end up dating older guys, then get dumped at the end of the year when he left for college. over the summer they would find another guy or two and then by the beginning of the school year they are back with another older guy. then there were the girls who had a boyfriend just because everyone else did. thats what society told them to do. and then some would date that guy whom they had been friends with for years, and those who where told that they would make a good couple with so and so. and then there was me. i didn't date. my parents had taught me that dating is preparation for marriage. when dating you are looking for a potential spouse. and if that was not your intention, then you were just setting yourself up for failure, and ultimately divorce. once you have dated so many guys, and given yourself away to those select few, you begin to get the mentality that if you find a flaw, or just don't love him anymore that you can leave, and find somebody else better. you never learn to work through your issues. i was 18 when i dated my first (and only) boyfriend. i met him at church. we used to go to church with each other every sunday. he would sing me songs in swahili about beautiful princesses ( he was from kenya) and hold my hand and tell me how beautiful i was. he was very good with words and always seemed to know the right things to say. we were together for nine months and considered marriage. the weekend before he was set to propose, he questioned my faith, my intelligence, called my parents ignorant and called me ignorant. i broke it off. i was devastated over loosing my first love and went through a lot of emotions. when he asked me to come back i had to fight myself to say no. i prayed, asked my parents and a trusted few from church to pray, and realized their was no reason to crawl back to a boy who had no respect for me, my faith or my values. what i came to realize is that their are better men out there, who truly love their wives, and God and know how to treat a woman. i have an amazing father, brother, and grandfather that prove that. i have met many great men that have proved that. however it has been a struggle. i long to find that true love, to not feel lonely on the holidays, that one to grow in my faith with. but what i have come to realize is that in God i have all of that and when i am ready he will place that man in my life. i want to be so zeroed in on God that he was to be zeroed in on God too, to find me. each of us have our own standards for what we want in a man, but society tells us we are aiming to high and it is ok to settle. as a child of God i am not going to settle. i know that God has a brother in Christ waiting for me, for when we are both ready, to be together. i don't fully understand what God's plan is for me, or why i am where i am. that is the beautiful part about being a Christian. i don't have to understand. i just have to have faith and take each day as it comes. i am still single, i am still a virgin, i have not had my first kiss, and i am ok with that. because only one man deserves them, and i would rather God, the creator of all, to bring that man in my life, than for any boy i have a crush on to get it. i will admit that it is sometimes lonely, but to be able to say that i honor my parents, my God and myself, is so much better and worth it. its amazing how unimportant society's ridiculous standards become when you are focused on God.