never been kissed

many of my friends are either married or dating, and I'm often the third (or fifth or seventh) wheel. i also end up being the DD and the one who makes sure everything gets paid for and that nobody gets lost or left behind. i guess you could say i am the mom when i go out with friends. but i am also the youngest. throughout middle school and high school they're were always couples that were together for a couple or weeks or months, and those few who lasted a year or two, but in the end would break up and be with somebody else a couple of weeks later. it was like they were trying to get their fill. i noticed that many of my friends that came from homes without a true father figure would end up dating older guys, then get dumped at the end of the year when he left for college. over the summer they would find another guy or two and then by the beginning of the school year they are back with another older guy. then there were the girls who had a boyfriend just because everyone else did. thats what society told them to do. and then some would date that guy whom they had been friends with for years, and those who where told that they would make a good couple with so and so. and then there was me. i didn't date. my parents had taught me that dating is preparation for marriage. when dating you are looking for a potential spouse. and if that was not your intention, then you were just setting yourself up for failure, and ultimately divorce. once you have dated so many guys, and given yourself away to those select few, you begin to get the mentality that if you find a flaw, or just don't love him anymore that you can leave, and find somebody else better. you never learn to work through your issues. i was 18 when i dated my first (and only) boyfriend. i met him at church. we used to go to church with each other every sunday. he would sing me songs in swahili about beautiful princesses ( he was from kenya) and hold my hand and tell me how beautiful i was. he was very good with words and always seemed to know the right things to say. we were together for nine months and considered marriage. the weekend before he was set to propose, he questioned my faith, my intelligence, called my parents ignorant and called me ignorant. i broke it off. i was devastated over loosing my first love and went through a lot of emotions. when he asked me to come back i had to fight myself to say no. i prayed, asked my parents and a trusted few from church to pray, and realized their was no reason to crawl back to a boy who had no respect for me, my faith or my values. what i came to realize is that their are better men out there, who truly love their wives, and God and know how to treat a woman. i have an amazing father, brother, and grandfather that prove that. i have met many great men that have proved that. however it has been a struggle. i long to find that true love, to not feel lonely on the holidays, that one to grow in my faith with. but what i have come to realize is that in God i have all of that and when i am ready he will place that man in my life. i want to be so zeroed in on God that he was to be zeroed in on God too, to find me. each of us have our own standards for what we want in a man, but society tells us we are aiming to high and it is ok to settle. as a child of God i am not going to settle. i know that God has a brother in Christ waiting for me, for when we are both ready, to be together. i don't fully understand what God's plan is for me, or why i am where i am. that is the beautiful part about being a Christian. i don't have to understand. i just have to have faith and take each day as it comes. i am still single, i am still a virgin, i have not had my first kiss, and i am ok with that. because only one man deserves them, and i would rather God, the creator of all, to bring that man in my life, than for any boy i have a crush on to get it. i will admit that it is sometimes lonely, but to be able to say that i honor my parents, my God and myself, is so much better and worth it. its amazing how unimportant society's ridiculous standards become when you are focused on God.

theres a mystery to love in christ

apparently i am gay. i found this out when a female approached me because she had heard I'm lesbian. after the initial shock, i tried to politely inform her that i was not in fact lesbian, and i that i was not interested in a relationship. she quickly apologized and then left. not long after another female approached me. she was new to post and needed a ride somewhere. i agreed, having no problem since we were going to the same place anyway. at first the ride was quiet. i wasn't sure what to talk about, i didn't really know her that well, and she seemed timid. i tried to break the ice with a goofy comment, and it was like i had let the dogs out. she began to ask me questions. i figured she was trying to get to know me so i engaged. i was surprised by the amount of questions she was able to fit in to our 5 minute ride to the barracks. as i pulled into the parking lot and put the car in park, she got real quiet. it kind of took me off guard so i awkwardly sat silently in the car waiting for her to get out. then she began to talk again. she told me that she had been warned about me, that i was basically a tattle tale, sensitive, and no fun to be around. all of the questions she had asked began to make sense now. a couple days later after having the time to think things through, get over the anger i felt that the very people i work and live with and are supposed to have my back apparently talk about me behind my back, i brought it up in conversation with an brother in Christ, very wise, retired military, and a local. as we talked it through he told me that i shouldn't be surprised that people would spread rumors about me, talk about me and try to bring me down to their level. i will have to admit that at first i was kind of angry about this. he went on to compare my situation to Jesus. Jesus was perfect, sinless, yet the very people who had followed him and praised him crucified him. they spread rumors about him, taunted him. they turned their backs on him. now if people could do that to someone who knew no sin, had done nothing wrong, why should i put it past them to do the same to me. i am a sinner, i have done wrong, made mistakes, and said the wrong thing at the wrong time. he told me that as Christians we are different. I'm different. because i don't like to do what they do and i don't hang out with them. they don't understand me, so they spread rumors. and then pick my brain to see how i will respond. and the truth behind that was so encouraging. it was peaceful. the anger i had felt, was no longer. as a christian i am called to love my enemies, just as Jesus did. i am to pray for them, love them, even when they wrong me. and i have to admit they are totally confused. they know i found out that they spread the rumors, yet i still talk to them, smile and engage them in conversation occasionally. they don't understand why i don't date, drink, or smoke. they don't understand why i would prefer to hang out with people 40 years my elder over them. but what i have come to realize is that they don't understand the love of Christ. the love Christ does not know color, race, ethnicity, sex, or age. Christ loves each and every one of us. whether we are gay or straight, black or white, male or female, American or Pakistani. Christ loves each and every one of us. and we are to do the same. we are not to judge someone because they are gay, they murdered somebody, or they praise a different god. for each of us has a sin of our own. we lust, idolize celebrities, we are gluttonous with food, we are gluttonous with the Internet and electronics, at one point we have spread gossip, and we have gotten angry and hurt somebody. just because somebody else's sin is different doesn't mean its worse. sin is sin. we all do it. I DO IT. as Christians we are called to love the Lord our God with all our hearts, all our minds, all our souls, and all our strength. and to love our neighbor as we love ourselves (Mark 12:30-31). we do not have to tolerate their sin, we do not have to accept their sin. but we do have to love them as Christ loves us. and show them grace, as Christ continuously shows us grace for our sins. we can love them without tolerating or accepting their sin. do not be afraid to be different. i do not smoke, i do not drink, I'm single, I'm a virgin, i dress conservatively, i am not gay or bisexual, i talk to my mom every day and i hang out with people who accept me for who i am. BE Different. BE Yourself. BE Fearless - Psalm 27:1-3 
The lord is my light and salvation; whom shall i fear? The lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall i be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me my heart shall not fear, though war arise against me, yet i will be confident.